Community, fitting in, and glass walls

Most of my life, I have not fit in very well in groups. It’s not necessarily a bad thing—sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. I’d rather not fit in that compromise on being myself, and no matter how many potential friendships and group memberships I might lose, well, there are more people out there and I would rather wait to gain the friendships that require me to sacrifice nothing. (This is not an excuse not to grow, or to retain poor social skills; “sacrificing” means “losing something that is not negative”.)

Sometimes it can be a bit of a bother, though. Today saw some event called “Car free day” on the Drive, and wandering up and down the Drive with Sarah I felt that familiar sense of “outside-ness”, as though there were an invisible glass wall around me and everything around me. Usually, as I say, this does not bother me, because I’m used to it, because there’s an awful lot of people whose society I care for and about not at all, and because I can do rather well on my own anyway, but the Drive is an area with so many colourful, liberal, and interesting people that I wish I could relate to them. In a way I love the Drive; in another way (but for much the same reason), it makes me sad; it’s a place where I do not want to feel like an outsider. With no piercings and no tattoos, I feel like I stick out visually like a sore thumb, and I do not know how to approach people…

The only context I have ever found to blend right in has been at various parties and gatherings that Erin has invited me to. It’s really kind of funny—I like Erin, I think she’s a great and nifty person, and I enjoy talking to her, but we aren’t close, and for all that we can usually find something interesting to talk about on those occasions when we do talk, we don’t talk often, and I can’t relate to some of her big passions (I can just about tell rhododendrons from rhubarbs; that’s as far as my gardening knowledge goes). Not to put too fine a point on it, I’m not a hippie… Somehow, though, the people she surrounds herself with all seem to share some quality that lets me join in and just fit in with the crowd, without feeling as though I am held (by myself or by others) at an invisible arm’s length…I can talk and laugh and not feel drained. Usually, socialisation in groups—even when I do enjoy it—takes a lot of emotional energy; these gatherings do not. I don’t know what the quality may be. I don’t know how to seek it out for myself, and I still don’t know how to approach, so I am beholden to someone to start conversation with, a seed crystal of socialisation. But once there it is effortless and remarkable.

I am often somewhat at a loss when people speak of building community or a sense of community—I feel rather vague on what the word even means, in much the same way as I am puzzled by the word spirituality. It’s the mental equivalent of being asked to flex a muscle you do not know how to control (unless you know how, go ahead and move your ears). Perhaps this is it—community. Perhaps I should try to seek out more of it, somehow.

Hobbies

Between work, something of a social life, programming for fun, and exercise—currently jiu-jitsu twice a week and weightlifting once a week—I manage to keep pretty busy, with reading always available to fill out the corners. There are a great many things I would like to do, but just can’t prioritise (kickboxing—I could do it, but when I’m there I’d rather practice jiu-jitsu), or don’t have enough time to invest in (judo).

And yet there are a couple of things I would like to either try or actually pick up. For instance, I would like to learn to fire a gun. This has nothing to do with self defence or anything like that. I don’t want to own a gun, and I can’t imagine carrying a gun around even if I legally could. I’d just like to go to a range, rent a gun, and learn to shoot it, because it seems interesting.

Then there’s the Academie Duello, a school in downtown Vancouver—a five minute walk from my office!—that teaches swordplay. Not modern fencing with ultralight foils that don’t work as weapons, but mediæval and renaissance swordplay: Rapier, sidesword, longsword… (They also have other weapons—quarterstaff, spear, sword and shield, pole ax—and knightly pursuits like falconry seminars.) Since they offer a free introductory class, since they have lunch-hour classes, and since they are, as previously mentioned, a five-minute walk from my workplace, I think I may at least go try it out one of these weeks.

I wish a week were a lot longer, work a lot less time consuming, and my energy levels considerably higher…