Well, in all fairness, I only actually read the first few paragraphs, then I skimmed the rest, hoping to find the place where he said, "HAHA JUST KIDDING, THIS ISN'T ACTUALLY EARTH LOGIC" only I didn't find that place anywhere. Such a depressing state of affairs.

As for the other, may I suggest Saltines and 7-Up? It always works for me when I'm sick (granted, I'm not sure it will help settle a stomach unsettled by jackassery, but anything's worth a try). ;)