DRAMATIS PERSONAE JOB: A rich, good, and very pious man. GOD: A syncretic Middle Eastern deity. SATAN: Ha-Satan, the Accuser, an adviser to GOD. Not the Devil. JOB'S FRIENDS: Friends of Job. ENTER JOB. JOB I'm so happy. I'm rich, and have ten children, and lots of livestock. And I'm oh, so very pious. EXIT JOB. ENTER GOD AND SATAN. GOD Look at Job. He totally loves me. SATAN Bet you he wouldn't love you if his life sucked. GOD I'll take that bet. Go fuck him up, you'll see. SATAN Right ho. EXEUNT. (SATAN fucks up JOB's life.) ENTER JOB. JOB All my livestock and servants are lost and my children died. This sucks. Oh well, God gives and God takes. I still love him. EXIT JOB. ENTER GOD AND SATAN. GOD See? I told you. Pay up. SATAN Fine, fine... Still, we only took his property, like livestock and children. People only really care about themselves. We didn't really hurt HIM. GOD What are you driving at? SATAN Double or nothing. We fuck him up personally, he'll start hating you. GOD Ha! Sucker. I'll take that. Go do your worst. EXEUNT. (SATAN afflicts JOB with boils and misery.) ENTER JOB. JOB Well, now it REALLY sucks. Still, I love the shit out of that GOD. ENTER JOB'S FRIENDS. (They sit quietly for a long time.) JOB Woe is me! My life is ruined, and I'm innocent. This sucks. JOB'S FRIENDS You must have done something wrong. You're a nice guy, but still, this must be GOD punishing you. JOB I've done nothing wrong! My life sucks. I wish I'd never been born. I wish I could face GOD so I could prove my innocence. JOB'S FRIENDS No, you must have done SOMETHING wrong. This must be GOD punishing you. Can't be for nothing. JOB Seriously, my life sucks and I'm innocent. If I could face GOD in a court of law, I'd prove my innocence. I'm being treated unfairly. JOB'S FRIENDS No, it's definitely your fault. GOD is punishing you, and that must mean that you're a bad person, somehow. JOB Oh, just shut up, you lot. You're not convincing anyone. If I could address GOD, he'd have to admit that I've done nothing to deserve this. ENTER GOD. GOD I'm way stronger than you. Look how mighty I am! Can you beat up all kinds of wild animals? I can, because I'm so mighty. Were you there when I made things? Are you as strong as me? Well, are you? JOB Oh, GOD, you're so big and strong and could totally beat me up. I relinquish any claim on justice from you. GOD That's more like it. EXEUNT. (GOD gives JOB new livestock and ten replacement children.) ENTER JOB. JOB Now I'm happy again. I have twice as many livestock and just as many children as before. They're not the same children, but whatever, as long as I've got ten of them, it's all the same. EXEUNT. FIN.